The American Dream and Education: My Plans as a Parent

I don’t believe that bigger, or better is truly better. I think it’s deceptive and doesn’t really fulfill us. So I’m not pushing my kids to live a “better” life than I have, at least not in terms of material accomplishments. Instead, I’m pushing my kids to learn about themselves, to learn about the world, to learn about service to others and to learn about hard work.

And – I have a plan!

My kids (ages 12, 10 and 4) are already learning to work hard. They have homework and chores. They are learning to cook and to do their own laundry. They are learning to manage their money. I take them with me to volunteer because I want to instill that value in them, and I want them to be comfortable with people in need. I want them to get to know what causes people to be in need and I want them to understand that it is a normal experience. EVERYONE needs something or someone and I don’t want my kids to look down on someone else for being in need. I also don’t want my kids to feel bad about themselves when they are in need.

As they get older, they will have to get jobs. They might start out with something like babysitting, but before they leave high school they need to have worked someplace where they have taxes deducted from their paycheck. I will encourage them to work in food service. I will send them to temp agencies so they get a variety of work experiences and so they can receive job training. I will take them to work with me and have them help me with filing and other office tasks. I can’t tell you how valuable office experience was to me in finding better-paying jobs than my peers during college! I want my kids to have manual labor jobs, too. Landscaping, construction, hospitality, cleaning, etc. I want my kids to learn how to WORK. They need to experience crappy bosses and crappy pay and crappy work conditions. They need to learn how to not give up just because their work sucks. Because guess what – all those things exist even when you work in prestigious, high-paying jobs. Those things exist whether you work in a traditional industry or when your work is on the cutting edge.

We will push them to get very good grades and to be involved in a variety of activities, not so they can get into the best school – so they can get money for school! They will apply for as many scholarships and grants as possible. I hope that we can finance their entire college education that way, but if those things don’t happen, then my kids will work to pay for their schooling. If they need to go to school part-time so they can work more hours or to accommodate a better-paying job, then that’s what they’ll do. If they need to work for a year or two after high school before starting college, fine. They will hopefully enter college more mature and with a better idea of what they want out of college. We will consider letting them live at home to offset their expense, but they will work and they will contribute at home. Sure – 4 years away at a great school would be a fun and enriching experience for them. But that is NOT the only way to “do” college, and it’s not the only way to have fun or to be enriched.

The things I’ve described aren’t outlandish. You know what they are? They’re what working class and poor people do to survive and to attain success. More and more, these are the things middle-class people are going to have to do. And I think there is a lot of value in those experiences. I want my kids to learn how to live on less, to value experience over things and to be able to handle difficult circumstances without crumbling. So I don’t buy the American Dream anymore (at least I’m trying very hard not to) and I’m trying not to teach it to my kids. Our culture will teach it to them plenty, but my kids will at least have been armed with the ability to survive and thrive when the bottom falls out of the dream for most others. Here’s hoping, anyway.

Read the first two posts in this series:

The American Dream and Education: Wanting Better For Our Children

The American Dream and Education: College Without Debt

The American Dream and Education: College Without Debt

I work at a private, VERY expensive graduate school, and most of the students have come to our school straight from undergrad. Many of them haven’t worked full-time and the work they’ve had has been low-paying work – retail, babysitting – not something one can make a living off of – at least not a middle-class living. You know there are people supporting entire families off of retail, right?

TOO MANY of these students aren’t prepared for the rigors of graduate school, or life in the workforce after graduation. And it’s not that these aren’t good candidates – these students are great on paper. They have high grades, an interest in serving their communities. They want to make a difference in the world and they have brains. But so many of them have had a very nice lifestyle given to them by their parents, and their parents have held their hands through much of life (you know, helicopter parents). They were raised by parents who didn’t ask them to get jobs in high school and college because they believed that their child should be allowed to focus on school and personal fulfillment/development. I don’t think that these parents were lazy or didn’t care about their kids – in fact, I think they care very much and worked very hard to provide a happy life for their family. But I think their parents bought into the American Dream, just like most of us have (including myself). Unfortunately, many of these children became adults who struggle mightily with the pressures and hard work it takes to survive in this world.

Me? I went to a junior college on scholarships and grants, so I got two years of college for FREE. I then transferred to a state university. Much less prestigious than the schools many of my friends went to, but a solid education nonetheless and at a fraction of the cost. This was funded via grants and small loans. I didn’t finish my bachelor’s degree. I got pregnant with our oldest child, dropped out and joined the work force. I wish I had finished because that degree could have helped me at times, but I have earned a good living even without it.

How did I do such a thing? I developed good work experience during high school and college – it wasn’t that well paid but it taught me a lot. I developed skills, learned how to navigate the workforce, and built a resume. It was that experience that got me into my first full-time job and from there, each job added to my marketability. Now? I’ve been working full-time since 1999 and make a good living, in a good job – and I still don’t have my bachelor’s degree! I waited to go back to school until I had tuition reimbursement, and until I found a degree I was willing to invest in. I finance my education with a mixture of tuition reimbursement, grants (finally pays to be working class with kids, woo hoo!) and a very small amount in loans.

I know quite a few people who have master’s degrees and are unable to command the salary I can because they simply don’t yet have the experience and skill I’ve developed. I also know people with graduate degrees who can’t find work, not even crappy work. The economy right now is a tough and very competitive place, and that is really unfortunate for those who have invested so much in expensive educations – especially if they did it with loans that aren’t paid back yet. Now, I do want to finish my bachelor’s degree and I’m considering getting a master’s degree. But I won’t do it if my only option for paying is loans. I have seen over and over that loans are crippling the young adults who have been told that prestigious degrees are their ticket to success.

Read the first part of this series, The American Dream and Education: Wanting Better for Our Kids.

The American Dream and Education: Wanting Better for Our Kids

I have a friend on Twitter, @blackgirlinmain (you can read her blog at www.blackgirlinmaine.com) who I have some of the best conversations with. Recently she was talking about the part of the American Dream that tells us if we go to college, we’ll get a good job . . . and how that really isn’t true anymore.

One used to be able to earn a good living as a tradesman, and college was for those going into professional work. A bachelor’s degree was something to shoot for and now it’s often the bare minimum expected, even in jobs that didn’t require them in the past. A bachelor’s degree is almost the new high school diploma!

Part of American Dream is that you should/must go to college, and that you want to shoot for as prestigious a university as possible because of how it looks on a resume and the high caliber education you’ll get there. Of course, the “better” the school, the more expensive it is.

One of the ideas that has become part of our American culture is that as parents, we should want our children to have better or more than we had ourselves. We want them to do better in school, make more money, have better jobs, have a better/bigger house, live in a better neighborhood. There is the idea that wanting this for your children is what good parents do. It’s become so accepted that no one really questions the virtue of these values. They aren’t seen as optional perspectives to hold – OF COURSE everyone wants their children to have better than they had.

I was discussing this with someone once – someone who is undeniably upper middle class. He has a Ph.D. makes a VERY nice living (so does his wife) and lives in a posh area in a gorgeous, expensive home. We were discussing the economy and he made an offhand remark that he wants his lifestyle to stay the same. I told him I wanted to stay “working class”, and he was surprised to hear that. People are surprised every time I tell them that. Shouldn’t I want my children to have an easier life than I have had?

The truth is, I don’t. I think that just like the idea of being “colorblind”, the idea of wanting more/better for your kids was probably well-intended, but has had a negative impact on our society and culture. There are only so many steps up the proverbial ladder one can climb, and as more and more people try to crowd onto the ladder, the harder it becomes to move up to the next step . . . yet we’re still taught that we should fight to get up that ladder.

Additionally, I think the idea that we should always be trying for more, for better, leaks out into everything we do. We must have a better car/house/phone/wardrobe/etc – why? And if you can’t get better, what happens to you? How many people were raised in middle and upper-middle class families, who have struggled to attain that lifestyle as adults, and feel ASHAMED because of their struggle? Ashamed to live in an apartment instead of being able to buy a house? Ashamed that they could only finance an education at a state university? Ashamed because they had to buy a used car? How many are ashamed at the idea of living a more working-class lifestyle, so they go into incredible debt to finance a “better” education, home, car, lifestyle? And where did it get them? Do they feel “safe” that no one will figure out how broke they are? Or are they always worried that things will crumble and they won’t be able to set themselves up the way their parents did?

I know that not all people who came from middle and upper-middle class families go through these struggles, and I know that everyone who struggles doesn’t feel shame over it. I see it quite often in my peers, though – and I don’t want that for my children.

Shout Out Time!

Why, I think I’ll mention some stuff I like!

Let’s start the day off with the cast of High Fidelity coming to life in a Columbus, OH living room.  Written by Andy Whitman, a dude who writes great music reviews as well as thoughts on American culture and the Christian faith.

Have you ever heard of a Craft Social?  They exist in different forms around the country, but the one I linked to is the Chicago one.  It’s an evening to get together with friends and other crafters to work on different craft projects.  You can bring your own stuff, or you can float around to the different tables, each which offers a different project to work on.  I’ve attended a couple of these and walked away with a decoupaged cup coaster, spiral notebook with cereal box covers, keychains, cute cards/envelopes and I forget what else.  You should see if there’s one in your neck of the woods, they’re super fun!

This is a photo from a previous Craft Social, which has been held in my old church’s lobby . . . the upcoming Social will be at a cool new location which I’ve been to a couple times for work retreats:

Catalyst Ranch, downtown Chicago.  Check out their website for great photos of their AMAZING colorful, retro/vintage space.

Last, I LOVE LOVE LOVE these maps in flickr that show racial distribution in the U.S.’s major cities.  Check out your city, are you surprised?  Is the place you live considered racially diverse?  If so, is all that diversity mixed together, or segregated?  Do you think the segregation is by choice?  Due to circumstance?  What keeps your area segregated?

Independence from America

it's the little things that are said that make me not want to talk about money.

people will be talking about doing their nursery really cute, because "a baby HAS to have a nursery" or upgrading to a new house so that each of their kids can have their own room, because "kids NEED their own space."

or someone will be talking about their maternity leave and saying "why would anyone EVER go back to work before 3 months?"

it's all these "have to/never/must" terms that TEACH ME that my lifestyle is seen as unacceptable - at least by my peers.

i could go on & on with the examples, but i hear it all day long. my whole life i have tended to be a lower-middle-class kid who was surrounded by middle & upper-middle class (some downright wealthy) peers, i have ALWAYS felt the scrutiny and confusion others have towards the way i live.

"why don't you just . . . ?" as if "just" doing something is so simple. "just put it on your credit card." "just get a loan." "just dip into your savings."

at some point, though, i had to realllllly examine what was most important to me, and whether or not i felt like american standards of lifestyle held water. there are many people who would look at my family & consider us poor, from our lack of certain resources to where we live to the condition of our car to countless other things. but i have come to the belief that these trappings do not hold some magic happy ending or satisfaction. i enjoy my life. even as "poor" as i am, i live a luxurious lifestyle compared to most in the world. i have access to LOTS of resources. i have an able body & mind. i have good health coverage. i have a job. i have a roof over my head that has working heat & cool air. good plumbing. a washer & dryer that takes quarters but is right outside my backdoor. my car isn't pretty but it runs. i have money for the gas in it. i even (finally) have money to insure it. i have enough money to feed my family and enough to splurge every once in a while on eating out, treats, inexpensive trips to see family, a few birthday & christmas presents and hobbies.

i make use of the free resources around me like the zoo and the library and the forest preserve and the lake and if someone wants to look down on me because i plan my visits to museums on free days, or can't go because i don't have the gas to get into the city & don't have enough for the bus, then so be it.

i live a full life and i am working hard to come to terms with the fact that it isn't the american dream. i am working to examine the american dream and its FALSE promises of happiness and satisfaction.

/rant. :)