“Dear Pumpkin-Flavored Seasonal Treats, So you’re back. You just come waltzing into town like nothing has happened, like nothing has changed. Don’t look at me like that. You’re the one who left for a year with no explanation, no warning. No note. And I’m just supposed to be okay with that? . . .”
“I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to get my hands on some fucking gourds and arrange them in a horn-shaped basket on my dining room table. That shit is going to look so seasonal. I’m about to head up to the attic right now to find that wicker fucker, dust it off, and jam it with an insanely ornate assortment of shellacked vegetables. When my guests come over it’s gonna be like, BLAMMO! Check out my shellacked decorative vegetables, assholes. Guess what season it is—fucking fall. There’s a nip in the air and my house is full of mutant fucking squash . . .”
Homeless, Hipster or Redneck: A Guide to Distinguishing the Younger Generation (I’m still wondering if there is a guide for telling the difference between Appalachian Hipster and Dust Bowl Hipster)
“ . . . The hipster mustache was already alarming to me, and the hipster beard has frequently made it difficult for me to distinguish between film students and homeless people. There have been occasions where I’ve seen a guy with an overgrown beard and torn jeans and assumed he’s an indigent, only to observe a few minutes later that he’s listening to NPR on his iphone 4 and wearing Tom’s shoes.
If I’m honest, there was also an occasion where I saw a scruffy guy and thought he looked pretty hot in an artsy, rock-star way, only to watch him lay down on a cardboard pallet next to a shopping cart of his belongings.
IT’S CONFUSING. . .”
From Awesomely Luvvie
“ . . . THEN she came onstage to perform. She started with “I want you to feel the love that’s growing inside of me” and I ain’t gon lie. My thug went “SCREECH!” AAWWWWWW!!! Then she proceeded to SLAY in a performance of “Love on Top” that felt so joyful. And she sounded all good and stuff. Pregnancy coated Bey’s throat with ambrosia and nectar of awesome. I was all “Aight, come thoo and GIVE then Queen Yawnce!” And as she finished, she opened up her #sequence jacket and . . .”
From The Bloggess
“ . . . Also, I really hope that they don’t get sued by Portland for intellectual property rights, because that shit would be unacceptable. Satire should be supported at all costs. Unless it’s a parody of satire. Then things get murky, apparently. . .”
No idea who created this, but I love you.
Don't forget, I'm offering a 25% discount on all items in my Etsy shop until the end of the day. Just use the code: 25forU at checkout! Hooray for 250 sales!